Let me set the stage for you.
It was our third year living in Mexico and our children’s school was celebrating Grandparent’s Day. We were packed into a large auditorium with all the other multi-generations of family members. We had already sat through the 3 year old and 4 year old classes. Our cameras were charged, we were sitting on the edge of the seat, and we were crossing our fingers that this would be the year the kids wouldn’t pick their nose or cry throughout the entire performance. My daughter’s kindergarten class stepped out on the stage. The music began and 30 precious five year olds starting dancing…and then it happened.
My husband and I just turned and looked at each other with that “Is this really happening” look (you know which one I’m talking about). Could they really be singing what I was hearing?
It was the English version of “Barbie Girl.” Remember it…
“I’m a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world…Life in plastic, it’s fantastic!” If you remember the rest of the song, the lyrics get pretty vulgar.
I laugh now. There is no telling just how many times my Spanish brought laughter to those around me. I’m sure at least twice a day I said something that was inappropriate or totally off subject all the while thinking I was saying something profound.
Have you ever found yourself there?
Maybe not in a different country. And maybe not having a language mishap. But at the place where you are saying the words and going through the motions all the while not having one idea what it really means.
Honestly, I find myself there more and more often lately. And it’s not a language issue…it’s a heart issue.
I read a ton of books and Bible studies, I listen to podcasts and sermons, and I attend church. It sounds like all the right things to be doing. It sounds as if I have everything in order. But if you look past the tapping of my feet…If you hear between the lines that I sing…
I am a fraud.
I don’t know why I do it. I guess there are a lot of reasons….laziness, fear, and pride to name a few.
It is so easy to be lazy these days. Why spend the hours to dig deep and try to figure out something for myself when Google is just one click away? I can get hundreds of answers to a question in just a few seconds ( I could go on and on about my issue with laziness, but let’s save that for another blog entry).
Looking past the laziness and hitting the heart of the problem….it is the hand of pride that grips me tight. I do not want to seem less.
Less knowledgeable. Less insightful. Less “Christianly.”
When I am reading a new book or participating in a women’s Bible study, my mind is filled with thoughts that choke out the Holy Spirit. I am so consumed with sounding like I know what is being taught that I don’t allow the Holy Spirit to actually teach me.
I study to memorize…not to learn. The words of others just sound so much better than the jumbled mess of a thought that is going through my mind. Let’s be honest…Beth and Priscilla could read a phone book and get people to say Amen.
It just feels sometimes as if I will never be enough to understand the words being sung by our Father.
But that’s when God sweetly speaks to my heart and reminds me….
The same Holy Spirit that rose Jesus from the dead and the same Holy Spirit that dwells in the hearts’ of Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer, and Angie Smith (three of my favorites)….also dwells in my heart!
God doesn’t look at me and say that there are a few more hurdles for me to jump before I can hear His Holy Spirit. Although my journey is different, He is with me every step of the way. His desire is for me to hear Him through the teachings of others, the books that I read, and directly through His Word so that I may be more Christ-like each day.
To do that…I cannot be only concerned with looking the part. I need to not only read the words, but more importantly, I need to understand His Word.
“Anyone who is willing to hear should listen and understand. And be sure to pay attention to what you hear. The more you do this, the more you will understand—and even more, besides. To those who are open to my teaching , more understanding will be given.” Mark 4:23-25
Well…I don’t stop doing the things I was doing. I’m going to start a new book by Angie Smith this week. I’m going to the DBS training class at church. I’m going to listen to a few podcasts while I run on the treadmill.
No, I don’t stop doing the things I was doing. I change the way I do them. No more standing on stage, dancing to words that sound good but mean nothing to me.
Instead of memorizing and reciting the wisdom of others….I’ll be singing the song that my heart finally understands.
Loved Loved Loved your blog! Thank you!